My 2016 Juggling Act

As I look at my 2017 clean slate and contemplate how to use it, I realize how easy it will be. I will keep God first, stay disciplined, take care of my family, work hard, and accomplish much.

2016 starts popping unbidden in my mind. I don’t want to go there, but my mind keeps whirring. Where 2017 has easy to follow directions, 2016 was anything but. There was always the desire and attempt to keep my days and priorities straight, but then it was time to get out of bed.

Reality always set in once my feet hit the floor. The were constant needs of family, pets and house. Groceries were always needed, meals to be planned, meals to be made with frantically looking for substitutions for ingredients I was sure I had. There was parenting issues and teaching. Bills had to be met with trying to stretch the income. There were sermons filled with challenges to change things that seriously needed to be changed in my life. Then there were constant medically challenges, losing days or weeks depending on what my body was doing.

You get my point. While 2017 looks straightforward, it will be anything but. Life pulls us into more directions than a compass rose. It wreaks havoc in our thoughtfully laid out plans, and then we easily abandon our resolutions. We’ll start the whole process again in 2018.

Life is happening in all the redirections we encounter. God has our steps set out for us. As we walk them this year, let’s embrace the craziness and trust God. 2017 will be a great year filled with juggling needs and changing directions. Enjoy every minute!

Flashback

A poem about a flashback I had in front of a beloved aunt and uncle.

Silently
I sit in a darkened room
All alone with the pain
Knifing through my head

Silently
I flash through memories
Movies of time past
Ripping terror through my chest

Silently
Tears wash down my face
As confusion twists time
Stealing the present from my grasp

Silently
I hear the whisper
Voices filled with threats
Demonic hisses of days gone by

Silently
My eyes grow big
My body freezes
Violations testifying

Silently
I curl up on the floor
Back against the wall
Warily watching the empty room

Silently
I feel the floor
A wisp of air from the fan
Clutching of my Teddy

Silently
I see where I am
I have embarrassed myself again
Showed others my pain

Silently
I hate myself
They have no context
Insane they must think me

Silently
I throw my Teddy
across the room
Denying my comfort

Silently
Drying my eyes
Painting on a smile
Hopelessly walk out the door

So What am I Supposed to Do?

Aaaargh! There is way too much I have to do today. I have to read my Bible and pray; take care of my family; referee the fights to keep the kids from killing each other; take care of the dogs; do the housework; all the homeschooling events to participate in; and get involved working at church the way God wants me too; and I need a present for my husband for our anniversary on Wednesday…

Now my heartrate is high just thinking about it. Not that I would get all that done anyway, but that list is always going through my mind like a hampster wheel. After a while I don’t know which end is up and get lost in what God wants me to do and what I am thinking about all the things that won’t get done if I don’t do them.

I have been at this place soooo many times, just ask my husband. But then I think of my favorite verse in the entire Bible:

Micah 6:8 I have showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to love do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God.

Did you notice God’s list is a little shorter than mine and has no condemnation next to it? As the super men and women in the world we feel like whatever we do will never be enough. (Well, maybe it’s just what I think.) This puts us in the mode of always adding just one more thing into our schedule.

So this is what God is telling us to do:

  • Do justly: Some translations say “walk” justly. We need to walk through our life in such a way that we are kind and fair to everyone we meet. That means no lying, stealing, takin advantage of, or taking anger out on someone.
  • Love mercy. I really like this one because my daughter’s best friend is “Mercy”. So I always check that one off because she’s such a sweetheart. But I think God is telling us to forgive over and over, no matter how painful it is. It doesn’t mean forget or to not take care of criminal type behavior, but the day to day hurts and jabs from others.
  • Walk humbly with your God. Have an intimate relationship with your loving father. This is way more important than ANTTHING else you have to do.

When I am on overload, this is my goto Scripture. It always gives me peace as well as perspective.Then I can clear my schedule of the unimportant and keep in what is important. Life will be is much simpler.

What Scriptures do you use when you get overwhelmed? How do you get through those patches of having too much to do? How do you keep from gettint too involved?

 

There Is a Child

 

There is a child

Inside of me

Always was

Always will be

Her life spent

Writhing in pain

Screaming for help

Living in shame

Terror too much

Now for to hold

She did all she could

But truth must be told

So now the pain

Knifes in my head

I struggle to breathe

I vomit, wish dead

This little child

Stronger than me

Handled it long

How could this be

The crazy thing

Finally I see

This little one

Is actually me

If she be strong

So then am I

Together we win

Together we thrive

Another Day Lost

I lost today.

Let me define “lost day”: A day in which I am not living in such a way as to make decisions, live life the way I want to, accomplish anything, and/or unable to be a wife, mom, or friend like I would like to be.

Today I have struggled with a very bad migraine.  It’s really been most of the week, but starting last night it got to a level 7 to 8 on the pain scale, with a 10 meaning childbirth without epidurals.  When it gets like this, medications don’t touch it and you just have to wait it out in any way possible.  It is the point where you have no care about how you come across to others.  So if you have to stay in pajamas all day because clothes hurt, or you don’t brush your hair because it makes the pain worse as it pulls on your scalp, or if you don’t really communicate to anyone around you because it just takes too much energy, you do it and really, really don’t care how others perceive you.

12540816_10204065876647388_4781534934774637520_n This is what I have looked like today.  The hat is a brilliant invention called an “Ice Kap”.  It cost $60, which is crazy, but the inventor really ought to be a millionaire.  As a migrainer, life is expensive on many fronts.  The problem is that you are so desperate for relief, you will try almost anything.  But this really works.  There are gel ice packs throughout the entire hat- you head completely wrapped in it, and it lasts for 45 minutes.  Plus the style is kinda cool, although I would have preferred pink, but that would have hurt my eyes.  Speaking of eyes, I just ordered a $120 pair of Theraspecs sunglasses.  They have been working well for migrainers and they fit over your eyeglasses and wrap the shade to the sides of your eyes to keep the sun out there, too.  It’s a good thing we just got our tax refund…

So this is a look at my day.  3:00am. I get up and get a bite to eat so I can take muscle relaxers and Xanax to try to calm down the head.  My body feels like cement and my head weights 300 pounds.  At 5:00am I get up and make a cup of caffeinated coffee and use the icekap.  I root myself in the plushest recliner (the headache recliner, the other recliner is better for gastro issues), put my head in the position of least pain, and stay there for hours.  At 11 I go get more muscle relaxers and back to bed.  I drift off to sleep after a while.  At 3pm I get up and move back to the recliner.  I get my icekap back out of the freezer and eat some “lunch”.  It’s now 6:30 pm and I feel good enough now to at least blog.  Now I can salvage the day with at least accomplishing something.

I have been playing with the idea of getting a drill and drilling through the left side of my head.  I really think it would release some of the pressure.  I tried the idea of a head transplant but my neuro said no.  I wonder what he’ll think about the drill…

My kids know without my saying anything that they are on their own, again, for dinner.  This is a sadly normal occurrence.  They are getting their own laundry run through, and they are taking bits of time either loading or unloading the dishwasher in between their runs to work, college, etc.

Since this is my serious day and I am giving you a glimpse into my life, I will mention that the house is a mess.  And always is, just ask my friends.  While people don’t really know what goes on in our house, they don’t really understand the state of mess we deal with here.  Along with migraines, I have struggled with CVS (Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome, trust me, you don’t want me to go into the specifics of that), PTSD, and more.  Thus I am almost constantly in a state of not being able to accomplish physical tasks due to the variety of issues I deal with.

It makes me sad.  I was an over-achiever in high school and college.  When a good friend of mine, my high school English teacher, told my daughter about me being a perfectionist, my daughter’s jaw had to be picked up off of the floor.  I still am on the inside.  I see the cobwebs about I would love to get, the linoleum I ache to give a good scrubbing, the meals I want to make…

So, kudos to Patrick and the kids for being so understanding through all of this.  They really are amazing and deserve huge treasures in heaven.  I am so thankful for them.

So the sum up: I will have a better day, and I will greatly enjoy it when it comes.  In the meantime, there is a really pretty tree outside my window.  Thank you God for giving me something to enjoy on a day like this.