I lost today.
Let me define “lost day”: A day in which I am not living in such a way as to make decisions, live life the way I want to, accomplish anything, and/or unable to be a wife, mom, or friend like I would like to be.
Today I have struggled with a very bad migraine. It’s really been most of the week, but starting last night it got to a level 7 to 8 on the pain scale, with a 10 meaning childbirth without epidurals. When it gets like this, medications don’t touch it and you just have to wait it out in any way possible. It is the point where you have no care about how you come across to others. So if you have to stay in pajamas all day because clothes hurt, or you don’t brush your hair because it makes the pain worse as it pulls on your scalp, or if you don’t really communicate to anyone around you because it just takes too much energy, you do it and really, really don’t care how others perceive you.
This is what I have looked like today. The hat is a brilliant invention called an “Ice Kap”. It cost $60, which is crazy, but the inventor really ought to be a millionaire. As a migrainer, life is expensive on many fronts. The problem is that you are so desperate for relief, you will try almost anything. But this really works. There are gel ice packs throughout the entire hat- you head completely wrapped in it, and it lasts for 45 minutes. Plus the style is kinda cool, although I would have preferred pink, but that would have hurt my eyes. Speaking of eyes, I just ordered a $120 pair of Theraspecs sunglasses. They have been working well for migrainers and they fit over your eyeglasses and wrap the shade to the sides of your eyes to keep the sun out there, too. It’s a good thing we just got our tax refund…
So this is a look at my day. 3:00am. I get up and get a bite to eat so I can take muscle relaxers and Xanax to try to calm down the head. My body feels like cement and my head weights 300 pounds. At 5:00am I get up and make a cup of caffeinated coffee and use the icekap. I root myself in the plushest recliner (the headache recliner, the other recliner is better for gastro issues), put my head in the position of least pain, and stay there for hours. At 11 I go get more muscle relaxers and back to bed. I drift off to sleep after a while. At 3pm I get up and move back to the recliner. I get my icekap back out of the freezer and eat some “lunch”. It’s now 6:30 pm and I feel good enough now to at least blog. Now I can salvage the day with at least accomplishing something.
I have been playing with the idea of getting a drill and drilling through the left side of my head. I really think it would release some of the pressure. I tried the idea of a head transplant but my neuro said no. I wonder what he’ll think about the drill…
My kids know without my saying anything that they are on their own, again, for dinner. This is a sadly normal occurrence. They are getting their own laundry run through, and they are taking bits of time either loading or unloading the dishwasher in between their runs to work, college, etc.
Since this is my serious day and I am giving you a glimpse into my life, I will mention that the house is a mess. And always is, just ask my friends. While people don’t really know what goes on in our house, they don’t really understand the state of mess we deal with here. Along with migraines, I have struggled with CVS (Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome, trust me, you don’t want me to go into the specifics of that), PTSD, and more. Thus I am almost constantly in a state of not being able to accomplish physical tasks due to the variety of issues I deal with.
It makes me sad. I was an over-achiever in high school and college. When a good friend of mine, my high school English teacher, told my daughter about me being a perfectionist, my daughter’s jaw had to be picked up off of the floor. I still am on the inside. I see the cobwebs about I would love to get, the linoleum I ache to give a good scrubbing, the meals I want to make…
So, kudos to Patrick and the kids for being so understanding through all of this. They really are amazing and deserve huge treasures in heaven. I am so thankful for them.
So the sum up: I will have a better day, and I will greatly enjoy it when it comes. In the meantime, there is a really pretty tree outside my window. Thank you God for giving me something to enjoy on a day like this.